Stories & Comments

We've been collecting the thoughts of people in our community regarding what marraige means to them. Here are a few messages from your friends and neighbors.

What Marriage Means to Me 

 by Joan Whitaker

In a decade long ago, called the 90's, husband GW got a new boss. As a Southern lady taught to feed men, we invited him to dinner. After good food and fine wine, talk turned from business to personal things. The new boss (NB) asked how long we'd been married. He was stunned (by my youthful appearance no doubt) when GW said "23 years, about half of them good". That's an old joke and we all had a good laugh. But then NB said, "Really, what's the secret to a happy marriage?" Without thinking, I said, "Lowering your expectations." I wish I could say we all had a good laugh. Instead the room got deadly quiet. NB went home. GW went to bed mad. We didn’t speak for days.

It's been more than ten years since that dinner and I firmly stand by my words. As a little girl, I read about princesses and princes. The greatest thing that could happen is a knight in shining armor would sweep me off my feet and...we’d live happily ever after. Oddly, no one ever told me differently.

I planned, no, I expected, to be Mary Tyler Moore...except after I'd worked my way to success, a handsome young prince would sweep me off my feet and we'd live happily ever after.

Handsome young prince? Check. Happily ever after? Not so much.

I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. It took me a long time to realize life throws you curves...and I can’t catch.

It’s been just the past few years GW and I have talked about our earlier life. I've come to understand more from his point of view. Instead of thinking he put his work before us, I’ve come to realize he was just trying to do his job and provide for us. Instead of thinking he only cared about himself when he accepted jobs all over the country, I now see he did it hoping I would be proud of him because he was a bigger success.

All that stuff is hard to see when you're living it. Did we think about splitting? Sure. But, there was always something there that stopped us. Was it the kids? Maybe. Was it because we never lived around family so there was nowhere to run? Perhaps. Or was it because deep down, there was that unspoken language. That ying and yang that no one but GW and I understand.

I’ve come to accept that loving someone isn’t easy. It’s hard work. GW and I are strong personalities. We work together so we have lots of opportunity to disagree on things. But, at the end of the day, there’s no one I want to lay my head next too, to fold my body around and be lulled to sleep knowing he loves me.

When we look back on our younger selves from a helicopter view, it’s a colorful picture. I can say, "Hey, look at us! We made it!"

Operation Us Participant Artwork "Marriage is a gift that society sometimes throw in the trash"

What Marriage Means to Me

by Rachel McIntyre

Marriage is a covenant you make. Marriage is a complicated, agonizing, beautiful, and extraordinary bond you choose to make. It is your word. It can make you feel successful and on top of the world and also at the bottom of existence sometimes. It is a forever evolving entity that is redesigned daily by the two people in it. My word for marriage is “lovely.” When I see wedding rings on fingers, I see “lovely.” Why? Because I lost mine. Even though I am divorced, I am a marriage advocate. Leaving my marriage was the hardest thing in this life I have had to do. How can I be “pro-marriage?” It’ simple, because losing something makes you search for meaning. It makes you face yourself and appreciate the value of what you have lost, what you aspire for, and who you really are in this moment. Being divorced has made me a more understanding person, and a more humble one. My marriage defined who I was once. Now, I have been able to define myself alone. If you are divorced, my advice is to really accept your part in the covenant you made. I think everyone who divorces should write a letter of what was the loveliest parts of the marriage and then give it to the other person, when the divorce decree is signed. It was entered into once with love; it should be exited in the same manner.

 My parents have been married 44 years, and when I asked the best man I have ever known, my father, what makes marriage work with my mother, he said “acceptance.” So his word with mine equals “lovely acceptance.” It is important, to come up with your word. What do you want it to be? Make the latter happen because you choose to.

For anyone who has experienced divorce, I want to say let marriage mean something priceless to you now. Take the time and make the painful journey to heal and figure yourself out. Put the other person’s flaws to rest and try to face your own, most of all. I struggled with God, in my loss. Then I happened to run into Him, along with who He wants me to be. This is my prayer for everyone who has been divorced or going through one because this is the only thing I salvaged in my broken heart. It is possible, I believe, to have a successful marriage after a failed one. The key is to realize your own faults and foibles and forgive them; make amends with the past; and do it better the next time. Determine to be a better person in marriage, not better because of it.

Marriage is lovely. The covenant you make is priceless. Its value should be high and not taken lightly, because it is your word. If you are thinking of getting married, think of it as your word, yours—not the person you are marrying. If you are in a marriage, decide how you want to love, and do so, because it is you who is making the choice. If you are divorced, decide why you married the person you did and remember that most. Finally, we are flawed as humans. We make mistakes. We need forgiveness, but most importantly, we need to give forgiveness and take away something lovely each day about the one to whom we are married. This makes us lovable and we become “lovely.”